The real 40 questions that lead to falling in love
The “36 questions that lead to falling in love” are a set of personal questions developed by psychologist Arthur Aron (and others) in 1997 to explore the idea that it is possible to create intimacy in a lab setting. The questions were designed to gradually increase in intimacy and vulnerability, and are often cited by journalists as a useful tool for couples trying to improve their connection to each other. However, thanks to an investigation by Ivan Vendrov we now know that the 36 questions were originally 40 and that their original text has been mutated over time. Ivan emailed the Arthur Aron and was able to obtain the original set of questions, written by Edward Dean Melinat as part of his 1991 dissertation.
I ran the scans via OCR to make the text easier to read and hopefully preserve it better for the next time someone writes an article about the 36/40 Questions. Full copyright of the text below belongs to Dr. Melinat.
Intimacy: Negotiating Closeness and Distance
Abstract
Persons in an intimate relationship are constantly negotiating emotional closeness and distance. This experiment investigated if the behavior that people use to accelerate emotional closeness or distance has to do with the simple ability to say "no" or "yes" in response to the demands of emotional closeness. Also, this study integrated the Eriksonian (1959) concept that having reached ego identity status is a prerequisite of an intimate relationship.
Based on a pre-experiment "application" questionnaire, 48 male and 48 female undergraduate volunteers were formed into mixed gender dyads with a partner whom they did not know and with whom they did not disagree on any additional item. In each dyad subjects were either both high or both low on a measure of Eriksonian ego identity. Dyads in each ego identity group were then randomly assigned to one of four instructional conditions, (a) say yes, (b) say no, (c) say yes and no, and (d) neither. The resulting design was a 2 (ego identity status) x 4 (instruction set) between-dyads factorial experiment. Each dyad, alone in a comfortable room for a 1-1/2 hour period, carried out a series of self-disclosure and role playing tasks designed to enhance closeness. Subjects were then separated and completed several self-report measures of closeness and interpersonal attraction.
Major results were (a) for men, feeling free to say "yes" produced greater reported closeness; (b) there was no strong relationship between feeling free to say "no" and feeling uncomfortably close; (c) women with high ego identity status reported greater closeness; and, (d) men's ego identity status was not strongly related to reported closeness. In addition, (e) this study demonstrated that a one-session experimental situation involving intense self-disclosure and role-playing activities may be sufficient to create a considerable degree of interpersonal closeness, though not enmeshment.
Instructions: Read the first card out loud and do what it asks. Then read the second card, etc. Please don't skip any cards — do each in order. If it asks you a question, share your answer with your partner. Then let him or her share their answer to the same question with you. If it is a task, do it first, then let your partner do it. Alternate who goes first with the reading of each new card. You will probably not finish all the cards in each section with the time allotted.
Take four minutes and tell your partner your life story in as much detail as possible.
Tell your partner something that you like about them already.
Share with your partner an embarrassing moment in your life.
If you were to die this evening with no opportunity to communicate with anyone, what would you most regret not having told someone? Why haven't you told them yet?
If you were going to have a personal relationship with your partner, please share what would be important for him or her to know.
What would constitute a "perfect" evening for you?
Alternate sharing something you find attractive in your partner; include the way he or she looks, dress and his or her personality. Share a total of 10 items each.
For what in your life do you feel most grateful?
If you could wake up tomorrow having gained any one ability or quality, what would it be?
How close and warm is your family? Do you feel your childhood was happier than most other people's?
What is your most treasured memory?
What is your most terrible memory?
If you were able to live to the age of 90 and retain either the mind or the body of a 30-year-old for the last 60 years of your life, which would you want?
What is the greatest accomplishment of your life?
When did you last sing to yourself? To someone else?
Is there something that you've dreamed of doing for a long time? Why haven't you done it?
If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about yourself, your life, the future, or anything else, what would you want to know?
Share a personal problem and ask your partner's advice on how he or she might handle it. Also, ask your partner to reflect back to you how you seem to be feeling about the problem you have chosen to share.
Name 3 things you and your partner appear to have in common.
Would you like to be famous? In what way?
If you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living? Why?
Of all the people in your family, whose death would you find most disturbing? Why?
Before making a telephone call, do you ever rehearse what you are going to say? Why?
Your house, containing everything you own, catches fire; after saving your loved ones and pets, you have time to safely make a final dash to save any one item. What would it be? Why?
Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as your dinner guest?
Make 3 true "we" statements each. For instance, "We are both in this room feeling ...'
Tell your partner what you like about them; be very honest this time saying things that you might not usually say to someone you've just met.
What do you value most in a relationship?
If you wanted to look very sexy, how would you dress?
What roles do love and affection play in your life?
Role play with your partner how you would ask them out for a date. Have your partner reflect back to you how it makes them feel to be asked.
Complete the sentence: "I wish I had someone with whom I could share ...'
Pretend you are in a play with your partner. In this particular scene the director has asked you to tell your partner that you are interested in having more than a casual relationship with them; that you are beginning to fall in love with them Your partner will also be pretending with you in this play and they are to tell you how it feels to be asked to move into a more meaningful relationship.
Spend three minutes in complete silence with your partner, making only eye contact.
When did you last cry in front of another person? By yourself?
If you could change anything about the way you were raised, what would it be?
How do you feel about your relationship with your mother?
Do you have a secret hunch about how you will die?
What does love mean to you?
What, if anything, is too serious to be joked about?