368 questions to ask before marrying someone
There’s many lists floating around the internet with questions to ask your partner before marriage. I’ve found the best one from a thread on Reddit, fixed up grammar mistakes and expanded the list with some help from AI. I’m sure there’s some important questions missing or a few that are a bit redundant, but I think this should be a great starting point for any serious relationship.
1) Family Planning
Will we have children?
If so, when would be the best time?
How many children will we have? Do you have gender preferences?
Do you think that you will have problems putting them as your first priority? (Often there is a shock, when originally your first priority is yourself)
What would you be willing to sacrifice to ensure the wellbeing of your children?
What religion will we raise our children with?
What last name will we give the children, the father's last name or the mother's and father's last name hyphenated?
Who will be the disciplinarian?
Will we send them to private or public school?
Will one of us stay at home to raise the children?
If we are having a hard time conceiving, will you be opposed to artificial methods of conception?
Would you be willing to adopt?
Is termination an option if the child is found to be disabled in utero?
Is termination an option if the child comes before planned?
What birth control methods will we use if we decide to wait? And when you are done having children?
What values do we want to instill in our children, and how will we do so?
What would be your most important value to stress in your opinion?
How will we discipline our children?
What would be the consequences for the worst offenses? (i.e. Are you okay with corporal punishment?)
How will we reward our children?
Will we give them an allowance?
Will we set limits on privileges?
Where do we stand on junk food, video games...? If yes, how much is acceptable?
Would there be any other dietary concerns?
How much television would be acceptable?
What kind of hobbies would you like to offer/encourage for them?
What age do you feel is appropriate to start drinking alcohol? Watching/playing 18+ content?
What age do you feel is appropriate for staying home alone? Taking care of siblings?
How much family time is appropriate?
What do you consider quality time as a family?
What is our long-term daycare plan? What's our back-up? Can we afford it?
Will it be okay to use teenage babysitters? Or only credentialed child care technicians?
How much time will we spend with the in-laws?
Do you feel that both in-law families approve of each of you? Why or why not?
What things about your own family and your in-laws’ values do you want to avoid passing on to children?
What will we do for the holidays?
If something happens to the both of us, who will take care of our children?
How will we handle different parenting styles between us?
How will we approach our children's education regarding sex and relationships?
What are our views on our children's privacy? How will we balance trust and safety?
How will we manage screen time and technology use for our children?
What are our thoughts on our children working part-time jobs during their teen years?
How will we approach discussions about mental health with our children?
How do we feel about our children having significant others during their teen years?
What are our views on higher education? Are we expecting our children to attend college?
How will we approach financial education for our children?
What are our expectations for our children’s independence, such as living on their own?
How will we address cultural heritage and identity in our family?
What are our thoughts on our children’s involvement in religious activities outside of what we practice at home?
How will we support our children if they have different religious beliefs or none at all?
What are our views on our children's participation in competitive environments, like sports or academic competitions?
How will we address peer pressure and bullying in our children’s lives?
What are our plans for vacations and family trips? How often and where?
How will we approach teaching our children about environmental responsibility and sustainability?
How will we handle situations where our children might feel different or excluded, such as being part of a minority in their school or community?
What are our views on our children's fashion and self-expression choices (e.g., hair color, clothing style)?
How will we manage our children's requests for personal items like phones, computers, or cars?
What is our stance on our children taking gap years after high school?
How will we handle conflicts between siblings?
What are our expectations for our children's responsibilities at home (chores, helping with family tasks)?
2) Pets
Do you have pets? Are having pets important?
Are you okay with the current volume of pets? Do you feel you should have more/less?
What will happen if your children prove to be allergic to your pets?
What are our thoughts on allowing pets in our children’s bedrooms?
How will we divide responsibilities for pet care, if we have pets?
3) Finances
Who's going to handle the finances?
What are some of your financial priorities?
Do you see some of your priorities changing in the future? If so, which ones and why?
Are you living comfortably now? If not, why?
Are there things that are costing an excessive amount that can be varied or cut back on to improve quality of life right now?
Are there things that you would be willing to cut back on in the future to ensure comfortable family living?
Will we have separate or joint accounts?
Will we split the bills or pay them together?
Will we have a prenuptial agreement?
Who will be responsible for the budgeting?
What is your spending style? Are you a spender or a saver? Can you save if you have to?
How are you financially preparing for retirement?
What are your views on debt (credit cards, loans, etc.)?
How much can we spend each month?
How much do we plan on saving each month?
What are our long-term goals? Saving for a house? College? Retirement?
How much do you spend shopping each month?
Would you be able to curb discretionary spending?
Do we create a house budget and write down everything we spend? If not, why?
Do we have a certain amount of money in our own budget that's individual or are we pooling everything?
If one of us lost our job, what would we do?
Does one of us want a career change in the future? How would we finance that?
Do you have credit card or student loan debt?
If it came time to buy a new car, what kind would you get? How much would you spend? What are your plans now for saving towards that?
Do we have emergency money? How can we save that? What constitutes an "emergency"?
Is there a spending limit that we should check with each other before making purchases over a certain amount?
Will each of us draft a will? What should they say?
How do we plan to manage any unexpected large expenses, such as home repairs or medical bills?
What are our views on investing in stocks, bonds, or other financial instruments?
How will we save for and plan family vacations?
What are our thoughts on charitable donations or tithing? How much and to whom?
How will we approach financial decisions regarding our children's extracurricular activities and hobbies?
What is our plan for health insurance and life insurance?
How will we manage tax planning and filing?
Do we have a plan for paying off any existing or future mortgages?
How will we decide on major purchases, like furniture or electronics?
What are our views on financial support for extended family members, if needed?
How will we prepare financially for potential elder care responsibilities (for ourselves or parents)?
What are our plans for upgrading or maintaining our vehicles?
How do we feel about taking loans for significant expenses, like home renovations?
Will we set financial boundaries with friends and family regarding loans or gifts?
How will we manage subscription services and recurring payments?
Do we plan to have a financial advisor or manage our finances independently?
What are our plans for managing cost-of-living increases?
What are our views on purchasing luxury items or experiences?
How do we feel about co-signing loans or financial agreements for others?
4) Home Life
Where will we live after the wedding?
Will we rent or purchase?
What chores are expected of your partner?
Where will we live after we retire?
What will the bride's last name be after the wedding?
What will we do when both sets of our parents are in their advanced ages?
Who will do the brunt of the cooking? Cleaning? Will your partner be doing equal housework? If not, doing something equal to make up for that?
What is your definition of quality time with your partner? Do you feel that you spend enough quality time together?
Do you need time alone? If so, how much? Do you find the current amount that you have acceptable? How would you react if important future things/events encroached upon that time? (i.e. future children)
What hobbies do you share together?
What hobbies do you like to do on your own?
Do you feel your partner spends too long on their hobbies and not enough time cultivating your relationship?
Do you feel that relationship maintenance and making your partner feel special is a top priority for you? Do you think it should be?
What do you tend to do when you are bored? Is it productive?
Are you constantly trying to better yourself? Why or why not?
Do you have date nights to maintain intimacy? If so, how often? If not, why?
Do you tell your partner everything? Is having secrets okay? What issues are okay to keep secret?
How often do you have sex? How often would you like to? Is there a difference between these two answers? If so, why?
Do you feel satisfied with the way that your sexual relationship plays out from day to day?
Is there anything that your partner is not doing sexually that you wish they would do more?
How far would you be willing to go sexually to satisfy your partner? What boundaries do you have that you never wish to cross or at least would be extremely hesitant about trying?
What fantasies would you like to play out eventually within the life of your marriage? Immediately?
Do you think that your partner’s general expectations of you are realistic? Why or why not?
If your partner was to fall out of love with you, would you expect them to stay with you anyway because of your vows?
How will we handle decorating and styling our home? Will we blend styles or choose together?
What is our plan for accommodating guests? Do we want a dedicated guest room?
How do we feel about hosting parties or events at our home?
What are our expectations for privacy and space within our home?
How will we decide on the location and type of home we live in (city, suburbs, rural)?
What is our stance on environmental sustainability at home (recycling, energy use, etc.)?
How will we manage home improvements or renovations?
What are our views on having a garden or outdoor space?
How will we handle household emergencies, like plumbing or electrical issues?
What are our plans for managing home security and safety?
What are our thoughts on having a home office or workspace?
How do we feel about technology in the home (smart home devices, TVs in bedrooms, etc.)?
What are our views on cleanliness and organization in our home?
How will we manage our daily routines, like mornings and evenings?
What are our expectations for meal planning and grocery shopping?
How will we approach decision-making on significant home purchases (furniture, appliances)?
What are our views on noise levels and quiet times in our home?
How do we feel about having weapons in the home?
What are our thoughts on cultural or religious displays in our home?
How will we handle differences in temperature preferences (heating/cooling)?
What are our plans for celebrating holidays and special occasions at home?
How will we manage the division of spaces, like who gets the garage or certain storage areas?
What are our thoughts on at-home entertainment (movie nights, game nights, etc.)?
How will we address changes in our home life due to life events (births, job changes, etc.)?
5) Careers
Will both of us work?
If I get a career opportunity in another city or state or even country, would you be willing to move?
When are we planning on retiring?
How many hours a week would be acceptable? Will excessive overtime or a second job become an issue?
Are you planning to go back to school? Why/why not?
How will we handle periods of unemployment, if they occur?
What is our approach to career advancement and promotions? How might they impact our family life?
How will we manage work-related stress and its impact on our relationship?
What are our views on taking sabbaticals or career breaks?
How will we balance work commitments with family obligations, such as childcare or attending family events?
What are our thoughts on freelance or self-employment versus traditional employment?
How do we feel about one partner supporting the other through further education or career changes?
What are our plans for maternity or paternity leave?
How will we handle work-related travel requirements?
What is our stance on working from home versus working in an office?
How will we make decisions about job offers that affect our work-life balance?
Are we open to one partner being a stay-at-home parent, and under what circumstances?
How will we manage financial disparities due to different income levels?
What are our views on professional networking and socializing (e.g., attending conferences, work parties)?
How do we plan to save and invest earnings for future goals?
What are our thoughts on pursuing part-time work, either as a primary job or alongside full-time work?
How will we handle potential conflicts of interest if working in similar fields or industries?
What is our approach to professional development and continuing education?
How do we plan to manage job-related expenses, such as commuting or work attire?
What are our views on changing careers later in life?
How will we support each other in achieving career satisfaction and fulfillment?
What is our plan if one of us wants to start a business?
How will we ensure fair distribution of household responsibilities if one partner's job is more demanding?
What are our thoughts on volunteering or unpaid work, such as community service?
How will we evaluate and make decisions about benefits packages offered by employers?
6) Religion
What religion will we practice, if any?
Will you be willing to convert to my religion?
Will it be okay if we each practice our own religion?
If we practice our own respective religions, will we expect the other to attend services with us?
How will we handle religious holidays and celebrations?
What role will religion play in our daily lives?
How will we integrate religious practices into our home life?
If we have children, how will we decide which religion to raise them in?
How will we manage potential differences in religious beliefs and practices with extended family?
Will we engage in religious community activities or groups together?
How will we approach moral and ethical decisions that may be influenced by our religious beliefs?
What are our views on the importance of prayer or meditation in our lives?
How will we support each other in our spiritual growth and exploration?
How do we feel about the role of religious leaders or counselors in our marriage?
What are our thoughts on religious education for ourselves or for our children?
How will we handle religious dietary restrictions or fasting periods?
What are our views on the intersection of religion and politics within our family?
How do we plan to respect and honor each other's religious traditions and customs?
How will we address differences in religious practices, such as Sabbath observance or attending services?
What is our stance on making financial contributions to religious institutions?
How will we navigate religious differences during times of stress or crisis?
How do we plan to deal with potential societal pressures or judgments regarding our religious choices?
What are our views on the role of religion in education and career decisions?
How will we approach discussions about faith and spirituality with friends and community members?
What are our thoughts on the role of faith in health and wellness decisions?
How do we feel about incorporating religious symbolism or artifacts in our home?
How will we handle potential changes in our religious beliefs or practices over time?
7) Communication Style
Are we willing to talk about issues or do we brood?
How much communication is too much and leads to overload?
Is yelling acceptable? Name calling? If yes, at what point? When does it become mentally abusive?
Do differences in opinion often lead to a full out argument? If so, how can we change that?
Do we give each other enough time to talk about yourself and your feelings?
Do we have problems talking about big issues such as money, religion or sex? If so, how can we make this communication more open?
How do we handle misunderstandings or miscommunications?
What is our approach to giving and receiving feedback or criticism?
How do we feel about silent treatment as a response during conflicts?
What are our expectations for daily communication, like checking in during the day?
How do we communicate our needs for personal space or alone time?
How comfortable are we with expressing vulnerability and emotional concerns?
What are our strategies for de-escalating arguments or heated discussions?
How do we feel about seeking external help (e.g., counseling) for communication issues?
What is our approach to discussing future plans and goals?
How do we ensure that both partners feel heard and understood in conversations?
What is our stance on discussing past relationships or experiences?
How do we handle conversations about uncomfortable or sensitive topics?
What are our views on the importance of non-verbal communication (body language, gestures)?
How do we manage communication during times of stress or crisis?
How do we approach decision-making discussions, especially when opinions differ?
What are our views on maintaining privacy and confidentiality within our relationship?
How do we express appreciation and gratitude towards each other?
How do we communicate our boundaries and limits?
What is our approach to discussing health-related issues, both physical and mental?
How do we handle communication about family and friends?
What are our views on the use of digital communication (texts, emails) vs. face-to-face conversation?
How do we address language or cultural differences in communication, if applicable?
What are our strategies for maintaining effective communication when apart (e.g., during travel)?
How do we revisit and resolve unresolved issues from past discussions?
8) Temperament
As a couple, do we generally feel happy or unhappy, and what causes do we find most impactful to our unhappiness?
How do we as a couple handle stress and crises? Do we have a tendency to react immediately, or do we take a step back to approach the issue calmly?
Are there specific actions or words from each other that tend to cause anger? Are we aware of these triggers and do we make efforts to avoid them or, conversely, use them to our advantage?
What methods do we both use to de-stress in our daily lives? Are we planning to continue these methods, and do we feel they have any negative impact on our relationship?
Would we be open to exploring new ways to de-stress together if it meant a healthier relationship?
What are our biggest pet peeves, and how do they affect our relationship?
How do we feel about each other having friends of the opposite sex? Are there any boundaries or rules we've set as a couple?
What is our shared definition of cheating, and how do we understand and manage trust in our relationship?
How would we handle infidelity? What do we believe would be the impact on our marriage and under what circumstances, if any, might we consider reconciliation?
Are we both open to the idea of counseling if we encounter problems that seem insurmountable on our own?
Under what circumstances would we consider separation or divorce to be acceptable or necessary?
If one of us broke the law and had to go to jail, how would we support each other? What would be the breaking point for our support?
What are our views on physical and mental abuse? How do we ensure a healthy, respectful environment in our relationship?
How do we communicate our feelings and grievances to each other? Do we feel that we listen and respond effectively to one another's concerns?
How do we as a couple handle disagreements? Do we find that our arguments are productive and lead to resolutions, or do they often remain unresolved?
What are our strategies for maintaining balance and harmony in our relationship, especially during challenging times?
How do we prioritize each other's needs and happiness within our relationship? Are there areas where we feel this could be improved?
How do we show appreciation and affection to each other? Do we feel that our methods of expressing love are well-received and understood by our partner?
What are our shared goals and aspirations as a couple, and how do we plan to achieve them together?
How do we manage our time together versus time apart? Do we feel we have a healthy balance of couple time and individual time?
How do we approach decision-making as a couple? Do we feel that our process is fair and that both voices are equally heard?
How do we support each other's personal growth and development? Are there ways we could better encourage each other's aspirations and dreams?
How do we handle external pressures on our relationship, such as those from family, friends, work, or societal expectations?
What are our strategies for keeping our relationship exciting and fulfilling? Do we regularly try new experiences or activities together?
How do we as a couple approach discussions about future planning, such as family planning, career moves, or financial goals?
9) Health
Does your family have any history of serious medical problems?
If your partner contracts/develops a serious illness, do you think you could handle the mental stress of caring for them?
If you become disabled physically or mentally, do you expect your partner to stay with you? For how long?
Do you have a history of serious medical problems?
Do you have a history of mental problems? (i.e. depression, O.C.D, control Issues, anxiety)
Is this impactful upon your partner? If so, have you received help or do you plan to?
Do you have trouble sleeping? Does this affect your mood? What is the right amount of sleep for you?
How do you think your sleep patterns will change once you have children? Do you think that you will be able to deal with this change?
Have you ever been, or are now, addicted to: drinking, smoking, drugs, gambling?
If so, how does this impact your life and the life of your partner? Are you working to fix this addiction? If not, why?
Would you be willing to work on this addiction in the future if it affects your financial wellbeing or physical/mental health? If so, at what point would you be willing to deal with this?
How will you deal with this? (i.e. by yourself, professional help)
Would you be opposed to the both of us getting tested for sexually transmitted diseases?
What should we do if the other is on life support? Will we draft a Living Will/Trust?
Do you currently feel that you & your partner are nutritionally balanced? If not, what can be changed to fix this?
At what point is it okay to ask your partner to pay better attention to their personal grooming/self-maintenance? (i.e. body odor, sudden weight gain, chronic pain, dental hygiene)
How do we both approach the topic of regular health check-ups and preventive care? Do we encourage and support each other in maintaining our health?
How do we plan to manage healthcare costs, including insurance, medications, and unexpected medical expenses?
What are our views and plans regarding mental health care and therapy? Do we see it as a necessary part of maintaining overall well-being?
How will we support each other in maintaining a healthy lifestyle, including exercise and diet? Are there any specific goals we have as a couple in this area?
How do we feel about aging and the potential health issues that come with it? Have we discussed how we'll manage these challenges together?
How do we plan to communicate and support each other during periods of physical or mental illness?
What are our thoughts and plans regarding end-of-life care? Have we discussed preferences for hospice care, home care, or other options?
How do we approach the use of medications and treatments, both traditional and alternative, in managing health?
How do we view the role of physical fitness in our lives? Do we plan to engage in fitness activities together?
Have we discussed genetic testing for hereditary conditions, especially if planning to have children?
How do we approach discussions about health concerns or symptoms? Are we comfortable being open and honest with each other?
What are our views on vaccinations and preventive health measures?
How do we plan to address changes in physical appearance or abilities as we age?
How will we handle lifestyle changes that may be required due to health issues, such as dietary restrictions or mobility challenges?
10) Our Wedding
Do you truly believe monogamy is realistic?
Is there anything that you would like to do before getting married that might be difficult afterwards?
Is there pressure to get married or did you come to the conclusion on your own?
Did you see yourself getting married in the future before this relationship was established?
What do you think the most important thing is about getting legally married if any?
In what city will our wedding be held?
What is the budget for our wedding?
How many people will we invite?
Who is responsible for the organization of our wedding? And how will the other person assist?
Where would be your ideal honeymoon location?
What do you think will be different after you are married if anything?
How do we envision our life together in the first year of marriage? Are there any specific goals or plans we want to achieve?
How do we plan to balance our individual needs with our responsibilities as a married couple?
What are our thoughts on traditions and customs in marriage? Are there any specific practices we want to adopt or avoid?
How do we plan to handle disagreements or conflicts that may arise during wedding planning?
What are our views on changing or keeping our last names after marriage?
How do we plan to involve our families in our married life? Are there any boundaries or expectations we need to establish?
How do we envision our daily life after the wedding, such as routines, living arrangements, and shared activities?
What are our expectations regarding financial management after we are married?
How do we plan to celebrate our marriage anniversaries?
What are our long-term plans regarding living arrangements? Are we planning to stay in our current location, move, or eventually buy a house?
How do we plan to maintain and nurture our relationship after marriage?
Are there any personal or career goals that we want to achieve in the first few years of our marriage?
How do we plan to communicate and resolve issues that may arise due to differences in family culture or background?
What are our views on joint activities and hobbies as a couple? Are there new things we want to try together after getting married?
How do we plan to maintain our individual friendships and social lives after marriage?
What are our expectations about managing holidays and special occasions with our respective families?
How do we plan to continue growing and evolving as individuals within the context of our marriage?
11) Optional edgy/controversial questions
The first half was written by Buck Shlegeris
If you could change one thing about your partner's personality, what would it be?
If you could change one thing about your partner's appearance, what would it be?
What's the worst thing you've ever said about your partner behind their back?
If you imagine having children with your partner, what's the biggest concern you have about their genetics?
What person that you know does your partner most seem like a worse version of?
If your partner was dating someone else and that person broke up with them, what would you guess was the reason why?
If you could choose how much your partner loved you, would you choose to have them love you less or more? How much?
Would you increase or decrease their sex drive?
If you could change one thing about your partner's sexual preferences, what would it be?
How much younger or older could your partner be before you were no longer willing to date them?
Imagine your partner could change to be much more like the kind of person they wanted to be. Are there ways in which you think they would become worse from doing this?
To what extent does your partner's success make your relationship better or worse?
To what extent do you think you and your partner mislead yourselves about each other in order to enjoy your relationship more?
What true statement has the maximum probability of causing you to break up right now?
If you could cause your partner to magically move in the direction of having some of the strengths of any other current or former lover of yours, which lover would you choose?
What delusions about your partner would be most helpful for you enjoying dating them more?
Since you started dating, when did you feel most embarrassed of your partner?
Since you started dating, when did you feel most unattracted to your partner?
What about your partner's interest in you do you think is most unattractive or embarrassing?
How big is the intelligence difference between you and your partner?
How big is the difference in your expected positive impact on the world?
Who would you be most embarrassed to introduce your partner to?
What feature of your partner is your partner most unreasonably proud of?
What aspect of your partner's lifestyle would you most like to change?
If your partner could inherit a trait from someone you admire, what trait would that be?
In what ways do you feel your partner's upbringing negatively affects your relationship?
If you could erase one of your partner's past experiences, which would it be and why?
What habit or quirk of your partner do you find most difficult to understand or accept?
If your partner could read your mind for a day, what thoughts would you be most concerned about them hearing?
How do you think your partner's closest friend would describe their biggest flaw?
In what ways do you feel your partner misunderstands or misinterprets your intentions or actions?
If you had the power to change one of your partner's core beliefs, which would it be and why?
What aspect of your partner's personality do you think they overestimate the value of?
In what area do you feel your partner is overly dependent on you?
If you could change one decision your partner made in their life, what would it be?
What fear or insecurity of your partner do you find most challenging to deal with?
How does your partner's communication style differ from your ideal?
If your partner could fully understand one aspect of your life or experience, what would you want it to be?
In what way do you think your partner's life would be different if they had never met you?